Love is Easy
Love Is Easy
Lately, I’ve been playing with common idioms and clichés and how they inspire our belief systems. To jog your memory, here are some examples:
It is what it is
You can’t handle the truth
Nice guys finish last
Don’t get your hopes up
Better safe than sorry
These cultural sayings act as psychological spells, seeding limiting beliefs embedded with fear, shame, and disempowerment. Since the mind (ego) likes to be right, these programs act as self-fulfilling prophecies.
The most damaging ones I’ve had to overcome in the past 18 months are “love isn’t easy” and “love hurts”.
Love, the force we desire more than anything, is supposedly the most difficult thing to receive, be in, and emanate? Well, sh*t.
For a second, just imagine what your relationship to love has been IF this were true. Feel into how you’ve related to it, defending from it, and protecting giving it, while in relationship.
This was my journey.
I can happily, proudly, confidently, admiringly, and truthfully say I am in the most beautiful, loving, free, exciting, supportive, expansive, and erotic relationship. This didn’t come naturally. Rather, it was earned.
Like everyone else, we fought, projected, threatened, and said things we weren’t proud of. AND, it was necessary.
Relationships are meant to bring up shadows, putting them in the spotlight, and giving them an opportunity to integrate.
One of my biggest shadows was my belief about love. Until our breakthrough, I never knew anything other than love being barren, painful, slashing, resistant, and betraying.
We incorporated practices that helped us be seen, see each other, and take ownership for our parts. This gave space for the relationship to breath, and in turn, thrive.
‘I See You’ Practice: Every night before bed, we speak “I see you’s” into the other. Most relationships falter because both people don’t feel seen. By intentionally making this practice a daily priority, we both feel seen for how we show up in the world and in the relationship.
“I see you for how you showed up for me today when I needed help. I see you for how the incredible offering you’re creating that will change women’s lives. I see you for how open-hearted you were when I was in a triggered space. I see you for how insanely beautiful you are.”
Once both of us go, we’ll then speak what we want to be seen for. This is an opportunity to bring in the looping thoughts that are often projected on your partner that evolve into resentment. It allows us to step into our truth and take ownership for how we show up.
“I want to be seen for how much work I’ve been doing around the house lately.”
Now, inside of harboring resentment for her not noticing, or me creating the story she doesn’t notice, I can speak my truth and she can see me in it.
Taking Ownership: Anytime we feel like there is an impending argument or crunch, we pause and find ways we can take ownership for what we are bringing into the moment. Remember, their trigger has nothing to do with you, and your has nothing to do with them. By taking ownership, you can diffuse the energy and get to the root of what wants to be spoken in the first place.
This can look something like, “I take ownership that what I am feeling about this is my story and has nothing to do with you. And, the way you said such-and-such earlier really hurt me. I want to know where that came from.”
This diffuses any projection and takes defensiveness off the table. How can I get defensive when she didn’t blame me for anything?
Hug, often: We hug probably 2-3 dozen times per day. Whenever you’re moving through something, this discomfort is experienced through your nervous systems. Stress, anger, dis-ease, grief, anxiety, fear, all of it. By embracing regularly throughout the day, we find a multitude of moments to co-regulate each other’s nervous systems, slowing down, and being with what’s there.
I am aware most don’t have this opportunity when you don’t both work from home. However, it’s still an incredibly powerful practice to do each morning and night when you are in each other’s presence. Find these moments and make the embrace at least 60 seconds long, longer if possible. You’ll find emotions melt away and feel your body drop into safety.
Relationships thrive inside the container of intention. Find the ways where relating has been difficult, crunchy, and igniting with fights. This is the place intention is needed most. There are hundreds of practices out there. Just choose one and figure it out as you go. We have gone through dozens ourselves to find what works for us and what doesn’t.
Love is easy, my friends. It’s the most natural thing we can do.